We all want to be resilient. But what if the way we think about resilience is actually holding us back?
We talk a lot about resilience in leadership. And for good reason – getting through tough times is part of the job.
But here’s the thing: not all resilience is created equal.
Some resilience helps you endure. It keeps you going when things are tough.
But there’s another kind – the kind that leaves you better. Wiser. More equipped. A little more like the person you hoped to become.
Let me explain – via a personal story that includes neck trauma, denial, and several bad decisions involving spandex*.
The Unexpected Lesson from a Chokehold
A while back, I joined a boxing class. It was great. The focus, the discipline, the quiet satisfaction of learning how not to get punched in the face – it all appealed to me.
But somewhere along the way, the class evolved into MMA (mixed martial arts). Which meant wrestling. And grappling. And, as it turns out, quite a bit of neck-grabbing.
I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that repeated chokeholds aren’t ideal for spinal health. After a few months, all down my right arm started aching after class.
At first, I shrugged it off. Classic post-workout soreness, right? (And after all, I’m a professional. And professionals never show weakness… until their arm goes numb in a Teams meeting.)
It got worse. Really, super sore.
Eventually, I went to a neurologist who told me one of my nerves was being compressed. All that neck pressure had caught up to me.
And here’s the part I keep thinking about: I thought I was being resilient. I kept showing up. Kept training. Kept pushing.
But I wasn’t learning from what my body was telling me. I wasn’t adjusting.
I was doing the leadership equivalent of “just toughing it out” – and calling it growth.
If I’d been truly growth-minded, I would’ve paused. Gotten curious. Asked: “Is there a way to not turn my cervical spine into a stress toy?”
Real growth would’ve looked like asking better questions sooner. Adjusting my technique. Strengthening the muscles that needed support. And maybe, just maybe, tapping out once in a while. I could’ve come back stronger, more self-aware, and with better form.
That’s the difference between resilience and something deeper called anti-fragility.
That’s when I realised:
“Resilience gets you through the strain. Anti-fragility makes you smarter because of it.”
*Confession: I never actually wore spandex to MMA class. That honor is reserved for a different kind of physical journey… at Afrikaburn. If you know, you know.
Be Like a Fire That Doesn’t Fear the Wind
Speaking of Burning…
Resilience is like a candle flame. It flickers, maybe even goes out when the wind picks up. If it survives, it does so by being shielded.
But anti-fragility is about turning a flame into a bonfire. The wind doesn’t threaten a bonfire – it fuels it.
And that’s the difference that defines the most adaptive leaders today. They don’t just recover. They rewire. They reflect, learn, adjust, and emerge better equipped.
That’s the kind of leadership we need more of – not just enduring challenge, but being shaped by it in the best possible way.
But here’s the catch (because of course there is):
You can’t do that if your identity is tied up in your performance.
Why You Can’t Grow if You Think You Are Your Results
Here’s where it gets tricky. As leaders, it’s easy to tie our identity to how well things are going.
When the project succeeds, we feel successful. When it flops, we question our worth.
But that mindset makes it really hard to learn anything useful, because every bump feels personal.
That’s where the growth mindset comes in. It says: “My abilities aren’t fixed – they aren’t who I am – and they improve with effort and the right approach.”
So when something goes wrong, it’s not a character flaw. It’s a chance to ask, “What can I do differently next time?”
Honestly, it’s a relief. Because now you’re not stuck wasting energy defending your image of talent – rather you’re investing energy in your improvement.
How These Mindsets Play Out at Work
Here’s a quick look at the difference:
Fixed mindset habits:
(Believing your abilities are mostly just “Who I am” – therefore attaching performance to self-worth)
- Feel threatened by others’ success
- Avoid feedback (especially the helpful kind)
- Take failure personally
- Stick to safe territory
Growth mindset habits:
(Believing your abilities are extremely malleable – therefore attaching performance to effort & method)
- Seek feedback and actually use it
- See setbacks as data
- Try new approaches, even if they’re uncomfortable
- Celebrate learning – yours and others’
Anti-fragile leaders don’t pretend to have all the answers. They stay curious. They ask better questions. And they come back smarter, not just tougher.
Three Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
If you’re looking to build more anti-fragility into how you lead, here are a few ideas that can help:
- Reflect more deeply, especially after challenges.
- Instead of: “Let’s just move on.”
- Try: “What did this experience show us about how we handle pressure?”
The insight is in the unpacking. Reflection is how you build pattern recognition. Or, as seasoned execs call it: “hindsight-based risk management with a nice PDF.”
- Praise the process, not just the outcome.
- Instead of: “You crushed it – you’re a natural.”
- Try: “You worked hard to find the right solution, and it paid off.”
That tells your team that effort and strategy matter more than just natural brilliance – and that learning is always on the table.
- Rebrand failure as iteration. Seriously.
- Instead of: “That didn’t work… forget it.”
- Try: “That didn’t land… what part worked, and what would we tweak next time?”
When failure becomes feedback, you’re back in motion.
(Bonus tip: calling something a “beta” increases tolerance by 67%. Not peer-reviewed, but still useful.)
Final Thought
Resilience is important – it gets you through the storm. It keeps you afloat.
But anti-fragility hands you the paddle, teaches you to row, and maybe even builds a motorboat while everyone else is still waiting for a better tide.
Each moment of leadership is a chance to add wood to the fire. But only if you’re willing to let the wind in.
So the next time things get windy, ask yourself:
“Am I protecting the flame – or feeding the fire?”
(And if your answer is “I’m waiting for someone to email me the answer,” you may be in middle management. But hey, there’s always growth from here too.)
Either way, you don’t have to do it perfectly. Just keep learning. Keep adjusting. And every once in a while – maybe check in with your neck.
